I find I have moments of insane inspiration in the shower. Not every morning. But it is like a spider's web of different thoughts that may have been sitting for hours or days or weeks or even months in my head suddenly come together and create one giant idea. Some of the most lucid moments I have had on work issues come to me in the shower. My family has often wondered what I manage to do in the shower - I take a while. And now I know - the shower is a place of solitude and deep thinking time where I don't even realise I have gone to a parallel universe sometimes. As I type this, I am sitting on my couch with wet hair…I just got out the shower and this blog is tripping out my fingers onto the keyboard faster than my thoughts can go.
Last weekend I went to see Ruby Wax with some mates. I went anticipating the acerbic, witty, somewhat younger version of Joan Rivers. I was up for a laugh. I got none of those things. Ruby's new show - 'a sane new world' - is all about mindfulness and her battle to find ways to overcome her stifling depression that plagued much of her adult life. It was funny in places…but it was no stand-up comedy. I felt uncomfortable initially - more so because my expectations had not been met and I have {fortuitously} never struggled with depression. I could not relate. But the more I listened to her, the more I realised why the universe had brought me to see her. This was not a coincidence. Cue part one of the spider's web in my head.
Fast forward to 6 days later…Friday night…sitting watching a movie on the telly after a frenetic and overwhelmingly packed week. A new friend and I start chatting on whatsapp. Joking and swopping morsels of information that reveal who we are. We have actually never met in person - which will sound strange - but we are fellow Saffas and have a similar sense of humour. The conversation rambles on for hours in between bouts of domesticity…I change the sheets, pour myself a drink, finish my movie and he is doing similar as we continue to laugh about random stuff that has happened in our lives. But throughout the conversation, I am realising more and more that I have a strong sense of who I am, what I want, how I see the world and take the opportunities that lie before me. In the moment I am immensely proud of the person I have become - it has not been an easy road. Thank you for helping me remember that important part of my journey, PD. Part two of the spider's web is now in place.
The final piece of the spider's web came to me in the shower this morning. My thinking place. I had the most wonderful long conversation with my old friend, Pauli this morning. She and I have not had a proper catch-up in 4 years or so. I have been back to SA plenty times and she has been over here - but time and life and all things human have not allowed us to see one another in person or have a stolen hour or two to chat. But today it happened and it was lovely. We spoke about our lives, her growing beautiful kids and during the conversation we came onto the fact that we are both 38 now yet neither of us feels like we are. We laughed about the fact that we were driving around Bulawayo following boys at 16 with drivers licences and parents cars. I feel 21 every day…but my body sometimes reminds me I am not!! She signed off to take her son out for lunch and I hopped in the shower. Drum rolls please. Inspiration time.
I have realised that the culmination of these - Ruby Wax, PD and Pauli - these 3 events are one story. They are the story of our lives. I have realised that I have friends who are wandering through life depressed. One in four people according to mental health research are depressed. Not the 'down in the doldrums happy/sad' depression that the movies shows us. Ruby Wax writes it like this
'Depression is a whole other beast; it is not situation appropriate but when you find the old you is gone and has been replaced by a block of cement; to move is unimaginable'.
It has taken me a week to realise - I have many friends who are like this. Who are stuck in ruts, afraid of ageing yet going through the motions to make themselves age sooner. I watch friends closing down on themselves, shutting their blinds like a Spaniard heading off for siesta. I have friends who are wondering through life unhappy with their lives but not compelled enough to take action. Who believe and want and desire for something different but who cannot find the inner energy to take the first step. Ruby said something really compelling that has stuck in my head. Whilst I do not recall her exact wording, the sentiment was this: 'people who limit their experiences in life, who limit their choices because it makes life easier and more efficient and less complicated…these people are cutting them off from the very thing that will save them…the beauty of curiosity and exploration and discovery'. This really hit me between the eyes. I know heaps of people like this. Some of them frustrate me immensely because I look at the choices before them and I watch them pass them by in favour of 'tried and tested'. In January I was at a big work event in Miami and I was asked to introduce myself to a room of people as it was the first time some of them had encountered me. I realised after Ruby Wax that the way I introduced myself is such an accurate depiction of how I live my life. I told them my role, etc etc - all the boring stuff. And then I said 'if you want to know what personifies me and the work I do, think of the word 'YES'. I believe in the word YES. I am renowned for saying YES without needing to know exactly what the plan is, what the details are or what the outcome will be'. And this is true. For me - if I say YES as I wander through the world, great things will happen. Sometimes the great things are in the lesson and not in the event…but great nonetheless.
And talking with PD on Friday night reminded me of quite what saying YES has brought to my life. A hunger, a dream, a desire to keep moving forward. A voluptuous enjoyment in the simple. Being present, in the moment. Being focussed on what I want without being pedantic about the way I get there. The road is long, the journey still young. I love that I look through the world with curious eyes. That I pay attention to what the world isn't telling me as much as what it is. I see the spaces between and I trust my instinct in reading them. And I also love that I am my own friend. That I can potter around in my apartment in my tracksuit pants and be happy with my own thoughts. I know people who are plagued by being alone - who are driven into dark places by the thought of having enough down time to reflect. So many of my friends are chasing busyness in an effort to avoid the very things that are making them unhappy.
Pauli reminded me of what it felt like to be young. The specific memories that came flowing back as we talked - those are not far removed from my life today. I realised I still feel 21 because in my mind, I still live my life with a similar ethos to 17 years ago. Celebrate, laugh, find your own inner strength, be loyal, have fun, be open, try new things, build informed opinions on experiences lived, engage with the world in a sincere and authentic way. Nothing has changed since I was 21. Except my body that needs more care and sleep!! I love that I have only deepened my interest in the world in the last 17 years. That I see it through every colour of the rainbow. And that I know that the answer is, always has been, always will be…ME. I am the question to my answers, the solution to my problems, the force behind my own healing. I only wish my friends would recognise that in themselves too - after all, there is only one chance at this journey called life and I am making sure I make it a first class ride.
Love and light dear ones - strength, courage, love xxxx
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