The banana dialogues

As some of you may know (via my FB laments) I have been holed up in my apartment for two weeks (with a few intermittent days in between) trying to rid myself of this bloody awful flu that is going around.  I have cracked the worst of it, but the lingering and endlessly irritating cough that accompanied the flu just will not lift.  Anyway - it has meant that my world view has pretty much slimmed to what I can see from the windows...which is buses, people walking and miles and miles of trees covered in snow.  Enthralling!

Tonight my cronola decided to brave the 'germ den' (although I am by no means contagious any longer)  and signed up for a dinner date with me.  Now I have not made a grocery visit in a while - a combination of sniffles, snow and serious 'couldn't-be-asked' syndrome meant no groceries and a very empty fridge.  I ran down to Sainsbury's quickly (literally..I live on top of a Sainsbury's).  I knew what I needed to get.  It was all saved in the reminder app of my new iPhone (thanks my skattiebollekie for starting my iPhone adventure - my most patient male friend!!!).  I planned to be swift.  I had my pound ready to grab a trolley, my own bag at the ready to pack my groceries in.  I knew what aisles I needed.  I was on a mission to shop like a champion.  I started in the fruit aisle.  Primary purchase here - bananas.

And then it happened to me.  The Banana Dialogues.  Seriously - I felt as though I was starring in my own version of Apocalypse now.  I was looking at packets of bananas.  Mentally calculating how many bananas I had had to turf away recently as I could not eat them quick enough before they went brown.  Looking at the option to buy Kids bananas (I kid you not - mini bananas...half the size of adult one's!!) and suddenly I heard in my left ear.  'Don't buy those bananas".  I stopped and looked around.  The only person in my vicinity was an old man who looked exactly like Worzel Gummidge...remember him from telly in Zim???

Ok - not quite as dirty.  But the same frazzly hair and cocked hat on his head.  I was flummixed (sp??). Surely this old bugger wasn't chatting to me? And then he said 'don't buy those bananas.  They are not pretty bananas.  A pretty lady like you needs pretty bananas".  Fan my fekkin brow.  This old biddy was engaging with me...uninvited...in a Sainsbury's supermarket...about BANANAS.  I kindly responded (after all - you should always respect your elders - Zimbabwean manners 101) "no, they are absolutely fine for my purposes".  And then he offered up the nail in the coffin.  The final epic line of the banana dialogues from WG himself..."well my dear, they certainly do not look as ripe as you".  

I was SPEECHLESS...seriously???? WTF????  So I grabbed my packet of kiddies bananas and bolted.  Usain would have had nothing on me.  I whipped my way around that Sainso's like a bat out of hell.  I was nervous WG was going to pop up in another aisle...just my luck it would have been in the aisle with whipped cream...I was NOT ready for that!

One day...hopefully sometime soon in my London journey...the man hitting on me in a food related establishment (remember the Algerian from my first month in London in the Fish and Chip shop...or the Nigerian at the bus stop...oi vey..) will not fall into any of these categories (a) geriatric; (b) lecherous); (c) the great unwashed; (d) full of youthful euphemisms and (e) just fekkin awful.  But in the meantime, my Banana (read va-gina monologues) dialogues continue!!!

Bonne nuit tout le monde x