When I started this year I chose my theme...I wanted it to be a year of humour and magic. And for the most part, there has been much of both. But at the moment, there is no humour and even less magic.
I know my blog is supposed to be upbeat and fun and all those good things...but it is also very much a reflection of me and who I am and my own trials and tribulations. When I am struggling with things I need to write them down...I need to use my words to make sense (and peace) with the turmoil I have in my heart. And at the moment - there is a lot of that.
So what are the contributing factors...phew. I could make myself a lengthy list here - but it all comes down to one simple thing...at 36 years old...I am learning the harsh reality of expectation management. I have known this is a development area (my HR speak coming out) for me for a while...but the events of the past few weeks have turned a small zit of expectation management into a festering welt. And the worst part - I feel so silly and naive.
I have a big heart. I wear that heart on my sleeve. Every day. I love, I care, I make an effort, I am thoughtful, I send text messages of support, I travel to countries and cities to encourage and celebrate, I buy presents, I make calls, I make time, I write words of love and adoration, I send birthday cards in advance...I could carry on. But the point is there. I love people in my life with every fibre of my being. When I am thinking of them I tell them. I can be having fun and find myself wishing loved one's are with me and so I message them. I will put my life on hold to see a friend I have not seen in a month...saving evenings for them to choose from in the hopes I will be a priority. And where does this all get me...it gets me to a lot of heartache and a lot of upset...because more often than not the way I love (and would love to be loved) is not how I am loved in return. It is devastating.
And through this whole difficult time I have been trying to figure out what I want. I really struggle with this concept. I know I am opinionated and have strong points of view. But through it all, I am still a simple Zimbo at heart. I am totally happy being simple and I struggle to be self-promoting and anything but unbelievably honest. If I am upset, it shows. I cannot hide it. I might try. But I fail. EPICLY.
So I want people in my life who recognise our friendship. Who tell me the role I play in their life rather than thinking I am telepathic. Who will stand and shout for me when I am doing something important to me. Who will think about presents that will be thoughtful and have meaning...I don't care about the value, just the thoughtfulness. I want to be surrounded by people who will come over to my house and give me a hug when I am upset without me having to ask. I want time without limitations and deadlines. Without distractions and other things being prioritised. I want to be enveloped in words of confirmation and affirmation. I want to get those texts and messages that show I was a priority and a choice and thought of in a moment when I was not present. Even writing the words, 'I want...' feels uncomfortable to me. But if I don't do this for myself then I am going to continue to be the one in tears on my couch on Monday nights...and I don't want to be that girl.
I don't want to stop being all these good things to others...which when you are feeling hurt and unloved is the naturally kneejerk reaction you have. But I have to find a middle ground on what I give to the world. Because if you keep giving and giving and giving you get brow beaten and worn out....your emotional bank account gets emptied...and when your emotional bank account is empty its difficult to stay upbeat. And more than anything, it takes the MAGIC out of life...and I owe myself MAGIC.
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