It has been a while sweet blogger-verse. I have been busy. I have just realised as I type this that I still have not done my blog on my holiday home. Note to self: do it.
The last 6 weeks since I got back from my holiday have been manic. Weekends have been jam-packed with activities to ensure that the ever-evasive English summer is not wasted for one second. And it hasn't been. A friend was talking yesterday about planning a trip and I laughed and told him to get in the queue for 2014...my weekends till then are pretty much kaput!
But this blog is not about my busy life - that would be lame. Tonight in fact I have no idea what I want to write...I just know that I need to. And it has taken willpower to sit down and write...but if I keep avoiding writing down the feelings in my heart will just manifest themselves in other ways. And that is not healthy.
Sometimes I think I keep myself busy on purpose. Because when you are busy there is no time to listen to the bees in your head. And then I think of L, C and M - three of my mates who are WAY more busy than me and I realise...my busy bees are in fact lazy horse-flies! And if I just got on my fly-mask and got on with it they would disappear.
I used to use the phrase 'itchy-scratchy' when I was at uni to explain to mates about that peculiar space you can wake up in on any random day. That space where you seem like you are at right angles to the world. Just feeling out of sorts. Sometimes like you are living a parallel life. Sometimes just plain overwhelmed. Sometimes just nowhere. And it does feel strange to be nowhere when you are, in fact, somewhere. Somewhere as beautiful as London in Summer. But at the moment I am itchy-scratchy.
There is a word in Greek called Orexi. I have no idea the official definition of it. But it has been explained to me as a type of energy. Your level of "I-couldn't-give-a-damn' type of vibe. And that seems like the most appropriate title for this blog...in the absence of inspiration, improvise!
I think having zot orexi at the moment comes from a couple of places. All of them so focussed on the happiness that the world can bring. Friends and family are having babies, settling down, buying homes, getting married, having hen nights, going on maternity leave, loving their growing kids, helping their kids with driving lessons, etc etc etc. And I love being a vicarious part of their lives...I feel like I have a giant extended family. But at the moment I feel a little like a piece of sellotape on the footpad of an exciteable labrador. The labrador is shaking and licking and bounding about trying to shake me off its paw...but I just can't seem to be worked loose. Bizarre analogy - I know. I never proclaimed to be entirely normal!
Now it is not necessarily that I want all of these things for myself. But it just signals that the playing field has changed. And I used to be able to play on that field without a hitch in my youth. But these days I can't figure out how to anymore. I can't talk about schools and home renovations and domestic bliss and planning weddings and so on. I love hearing about from those in my life - their joy is catching. But I cannot contribute to those conversations with any great voracity. And I think that is where the stuck feeling comes from. I miss having my mates around who were spontaneous. Where we could do something off the cuff and debate the meaning of life with lots of wine and much laughter. I feel like I am trapped and I need to escape from the domesticity of it all. I can see why people feel a level of social pressure to be in a relationship/get married. Because if those around you are all doing it and you don't then the world is a lonely place...and everything has to be planned, scheduled and written down. I want to wrestle back my spontaneity and the talking from the heart...I want to wrestle back those deep, important, soul-searching conversations that fill my heart with joy...where we don't talk about the mundane details of life...we talk about the things that are the meat of life. Those conversations are missing...and I need them back desperately.
Night world - off to get some sleep x
The last 6 weeks since I got back from my holiday have been manic. Weekends have been jam-packed with activities to ensure that the ever-evasive English summer is not wasted for one second. And it hasn't been. A friend was talking yesterday about planning a trip and I laughed and told him to get in the queue for 2014...my weekends till then are pretty much kaput!
But this blog is not about my busy life - that would be lame. Tonight in fact I have no idea what I want to write...I just know that I need to. And it has taken willpower to sit down and write...but if I keep avoiding writing down the feelings in my heart will just manifest themselves in other ways. And that is not healthy.
Sometimes I think I keep myself busy on purpose. Because when you are busy there is no time to listen to the bees in your head. And then I think of L, C and M - three of my mates who are WAY more busy than me and I realise...my busy bees are in fact lazy horse-flies! And if I just got on my fly-mask and got on with it they would disappear.
I used to use the phrase 'itchy-scratchy' when I was at uni to explain to mates about that peculiar space you can wake up in on any random day. That space where you seem like you are at right angles to the world. Just feeling out of sorts. Sometimes like you are living a parallel life. Sometimes just plain overwhelmed. Sometimes just nowhere. And it does feel strange to be nowhere when you are, in fact, somewhere. Somewhere as beautiful as London in Summer. But at the moment I am itchy-scratchy.
There is a word in Greek called Orexi. I have no idea the official definition of it. But it has been explained to me as a type of energy. Your level of "I-couldn't-give-a-damn' type of vibe. And that seems like the most appropriate title for this blog...in the absence of inspiration, improvise!
I think having zot orexi at the moment comes from a couple of places. All of them so focussed on the happiness that the world can bring. Friends and family are having babies, settling down, buying homes, getting married, having hen nights, going on maternity leave, loving their growing kids, helping their kids with driving lessons, etc etc etc. And I love being a vicarious part of their lives...I feel like I have a giant extended family. But at the moment I feel a little like a piece of sellotape on the footpad of an exciteable labrador. The labrador is shaking and licking and bounding about trying to shake me off its paw...but I just can't seem to be worked loose. Bizarre analogy - I know. I never proclaimed to be entirely normal!
Now it is not necessarily that I want all of these things for myself. But it just signals that the playing field has changed. And I used to be able to play on that field without a hitch in my youth. But these days I can't figure out how to anymore. I can't talk about schools and home renovations and domestic bliss and planning weddings and so on. I love hearing about from those in my life - their joy is catching. But I cannot contribute to those conversations with any great voracity. And I think that is where the stuck feeling comes from. I miss having my mates around who were spontaneous. Where we could do something off the cuff and debate the meaning of life with lots of wine and much laughter. I feel like I am trapped and I need to escape from the domesticity of it all. I can see why people feel a level of social pressure to be in a relationship/get married. Because if those around you are all doing it and you don't then the world is a lonely place...and everything has to be planned, scheduled and written down. I want to wrestle back my spontaneity and the talking from the heart...I want to wrestle back those deep, important, soul-searching conversations that fill my heart with joy...where we don't talk about the mundane details of life...we talk about the things that are the meat of life. Those conversations are missing...and I need them back desperately.
Night world - off to get some sleep x
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