I have yet to write a post this year...for a variety of reasons really. But today feels apt. I was watching a movie this morning and the girl in it was an author and she did a monologue on why she writes. It felt like she was talking about my life. I write to make sense of things. To stop the figurative 'bees in my head'. I write a diary too. Never compulsively - only when it is needed. So most of the time this blog is the censored version of events...although it may not feel like it to many people!
I am officially on day 1001 in my London life. In some ways it feels awesome and in other ways quite nostalgic how much my life has moved on in 1001 days. I was on a course this week called Positive Power and Influence. I have been on heaps of courses in my lifetime - the peril of being in HR and being a psychologist. But this course. Wow. This course absolutely tipped my thoughts on their arse. It was an intensive 3 days, with very little lecturing, a huge amount of disclosing, doing exercises, practising skills. On the Tuesday night (day 2) - I was shattered. There had been a particularly difficult exchange (as part of the course) with one chap in the class and I. And it had hurt. It took every fibre of my being not to retaliate. But that evening I really dwelled on what he had said - I am (hopelessly) self-reflective. And I came to understand where his comment came from. I don't have to accept it, but if I come from a place of acceptance there is a LOT I can process and make peace with.
I once read a quote (probably somewhere on social media) that said 'never push a loyal person to the point where they don't give a damn'. Well, this week has really brought that saying to life. I had snapped on one particular situation that arose a year or two ago and I was reminded of it last night - it reminded me how far I had come. But there are two other situations in the last week that have pushed this loyal person to the point of not giving a damn. I give you a metaphor to liken this point to. I am like a loyal dog. I enter your life as a puppy. I grow up with you. I watch patiently as my side of the bed is taken over by your new partner. I accept that you can't go for walks with me everyday when you work late. When you have kids and they pull my ears and roll all over me, I roll my eyes but I carrying on licking them and loving them. And then one day, the compound effect of all these things just hits home. And as soon as the garden gate is left opened by the kids with their bikes, I escape. I run. I have no idea where I am headed. But all I know is I need to go. The neglect, the constant shouting at me to 'stop licking'...it just eats at my doggy soul.
Now here's the thing. A year ago, I would have stayed in that garden. I would have stared longingly at that garden gate...even when it was open. But I would not have escaped. Because I would have lived in hope that things would change. But the course this week. It made me realise. By walking out the gate does not mean I have given up hope. To the contrary, it takes extraordinary courage for a doggy to walk away from lovely human companions. Because there is nothing worse than have your doggy heart stood on time and time and time again.
So, me and my imaginary dog are taking a stand from now on. The world is already filled with enough instances where the truth is not told, where people are nasty with no reason, where others make choices that are not mutually respectful, where friendship is not reciprocated. Yes, there will always be swings and roundabouts in people's lives...circumstances dictate it. I am quite prepared for that. But giving love and friendship and not having it reciprocated - just not fun anymore.
This dog has laid down the gauntlet for herself...she wants to hang in the hood with mates who are chuft to see her and want to spend hours just lying with her staring at the kids playing in the sprinkler. And this dog has heaps of those kind of hounds in her posse - how very exciting! Lucky me, lucky lucky me. Happy Sunday peeps xxxx
I am officially on day 1001 in my London life. In some ways it feels awesome and in other ways quite nostalgic how much my life has moved on in 1001 days. I was on a course this week called Positive Power and Influence. I have been on heaps of courses in my lifetime - the peril of being in HR and being a psychologist. But this course. Wow. This course absolutely tipped my thoughts on their arse. It was an intensive 3 days, with very little lecturing, a huge amount of disclosing, doing exercises, practising skills. On the Tuesday night (day 2) - I was shattered. There had been a particularly difficult exchange (as part of the course) with one chap in the class and I. And it had hurt. It took every fibre of my being not to retaliate. But that evening I really dwelled on what he had said - I am (hopelessly) self-reflective. And I came to understand where his comment came from. I don't have to accept it, but if I come from a place of acceptance there is a LOT I can process and make peace with.
I once read a quote (probably somewhere on social media) that said 'never push a loyal person to the point where they don't give a damn'. Well, this week has really brought that saying to life. I had snapped on one particular situation that arose a year or two ago and I was reminded of it last night - it reminded me how far I had come. But there are two other situations in the last week that have pushed this loyal person to the point of not giving a damn. I give you a metaphor to liken this point to. I am like a loyal dog. I enter your life as a puppy. I grow up with you. I watch patiently as my side of the bed is taken over by your new partner. I accept that you can't go for walks with me everyday when you work late. When you have kids and they pull my ears and roll all over me, I roll my eyes but I carrying on licking them and loving them. And then one day, the compound effect of all these things just hits home. And as soon as the garden gate is left opened by the kids with their bikes, I escape. I run. I have no idea where I am headed. But all I know is I need to go. The neglect, the constant shouting at me to 'stop licking'...it just eats at my doggy soul.
Now here's the thing. A year ago, I would have stayed in that garden. I would have stared longingly at that garden gate...even when it was open. But I would not have escaped. Because I would have lived in hope that things would change. But the course this week. It made me realise. By walking out the gate does not mean I have given up hope. To the contrary, it takes extraordinary courage for a doggy to walk away from lovely human companions. Because there is nothing worse than have your doggy heart stood on time and time and time again.
So, me and my imaginary dog are taking a stand from now on. The world is already filled with enough instances where the truth is not told, where people are nasty with no reason, where others make choices that are not mutually respectful, where friendship is not reciprocated. Yes, there will always be swings and roundabouts in people's lives...circumstances dictate it. I am quite prepared for that. But giving love and friendship and not having it reciprocated - just not fun anymore.
This dog has laid down the gauntlet for herself...she wants to hang in the hood with mates who are chuft to see her and want to spend hours just lying with her staring at the kids playing in the sprinkler. And this dog has heaps of those kind of hounds in her posse - how very exciting! Lucky me, lucky lucky me. Happy Sunday peeps xxxx
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