Dear friends - you may have noticed I have not been myself for the past few weeks. I have kept a relatively low profile (well low for me) and tried not too post too many things. But here's the thing, I am in denial about how shitty these last few weeks have been. And the impact they have had on the way I see the world and trust it. Combined with the fact that I find writing cathartic and a way to process and categorize what is happening to me in the hopes of learning from it.
I have also learnt that if you do not process something, it leaks out in your body in other ways. Humans are complicated beings and we so often bottle up what happens to us in the hopes it will simply disappear. And the harsh reality is that it doesn't - it just manifests in another form. And in my case, that form is emotional eating. And I simply will not do that to myself anymore. I will not chow down on a muffin and hope that the heartache will move on. Because it won't. And neither will the muffin.
So here's a blog to help me do both those things. And if you not up for the reading, no worries...I understand.
I am licking my wounds still so apologies if this sounds a little jumbled when it all comes out. Here's the synopsis: I met someone in September 2016 through a dating app. We hung out. We got on. We started 'seeing' one another. We did things together. We spoke and swopped stories. I invited him into my life. I was kind beyond measure. I spoiled him and went out of my way to be thoughtful. We texted often and things were going well. I organized a surprise for him (he does not celebrate Christmas) before I went to SA on holiday. He loved it and was so delighted by it. Then he came to my office Christmas party with me. And what started out as a lovely evening went south very fast. He told me this was going to fast for him and he wanted out. I was flying to SA the next day. We agreed to let sleeping dogs lie while I was away. I went and spent time with my nephews and family and through it all I downplayed him to my family. I did not want to talk it up. We swopped a whatsapp or two but I had no burning desire to communicate with him, which was odd given the circumstances.
I realized while I was in SA that we were not 100% compatible. We came from such hugely different cultures. He was not a communicator. He did not share. He had more emotional baggage than I knew what to do with. He was emotionally unavailable in so many ways. I could see the human he could be. I recognized the potential. But I was not out to save him from himself.
I came back to Dubai for New Years and I did not tell him I had come in early. I texted him on the day and we agreed that a relationship was not an option in either of our books. I gave him the option to bow out of NYE...he said he wanted to come. And being the kind hearted human I am, I never once stopped to think how forgiving and accepting I was being to a person who had not treated me with the respect I deserved. I was blinded by trying to be the bigger person. Hindsight is a b$*ch.
Another friend of mine was joining for NYE too. She and I had met through a mutual friend from another country when I moved to Dubai. She had been the source of much friend time since I moved here. A fellow South African. She had helped me get confident enough to drive. We had gone to the beach and the movies and eaten out. A great source of companionship in what can be a challenging city to adjust to.
And this is when you know something is about to happen given I have given you so much context. This point is where I tell you - TRUST YOUR INTUITION. It is an extraordinary tool. It is always on your side. It is stronger than any other of my senses. And something happened on NYE that put my intuition on high alert. He and I (although were no longer anything substantial) still ended up being very tactile with one another. He was very attentive - I had expected to keep him at arm's length the whole night given we were not together. But no - he wanted to have his cake and eat it. And he sure did. The whole cake and then some.
I went to the bathroom and came out, obviously a little quietly, onto the balcony again. I saw him walk behind her and I saw him put his hand on her back. Nothing sinister you might think. But I knew. In that minute. I knew what I was seeing. I registered it and I decided to process it once there was other information to go with it. The night ended (he stayed till 3am and she slept over). The next morning she and I spoke about how I felt about him and how confusing this situation was. She brushed it off saying something along the lines of 'these things happen on new years'.
Over the course of the next few weeks my intuition had started to pick up more and more. He phoned me asking if she had got his video. I asked what video and discovered she had given him her number on the night to send her a video of the fireworks. How convenient. He phones me to say what a beautiful night he had and how he was so blown away by his presents (yes I had stupidly bought him more gifts...it's in my nature). Then suddenly I see he is liking every single one of her photos on instagram. And then they are Facebook friends and he is liking every post there. And all the while my intuition is screaming at me - WTFFFFFFFFF? And then it happened. The final piece of the puzzle. She posted a video of her driving in a car late at night. She was in the passenger seat. And there in the video - his customized red leather steering wheel of his 4x4. I knew that what I had intuitively been feeling all along was happening. Two weeks after they had met for the first (and in my book only) time.
I confronted them both on whatsapp - I had tried to meet up with them both for a coffee in person over the course of the preceeding week but both were (conveniently?) too busy to meet up.
And the sum total of their respective explanations - neither felt the need to tell me as it was still in its infancy and it was their private lives. Are you f*#$%ng kidding me. You post shit on social media like you are sitting in each others pockets and then tell me it is private. You met at my home. One of you is my ex and the other my only single girl friend in this city. What a joke.
So fast forward to today - watershed day. I have been so broken by this whole experience. The trust and caring I showed for two humans who chose to take that and shove it down the toilet. Who felt that deception was their only route. Who knew how I felt about the other and went there anyway. Who then (once I knew about them) adopted not one drop of civility or sensitivity about the fact they were together - instead choosing to post every moment of every thing they were doing together on social media so that I had nothing but their lives running through my news feed. It killed me from the inside out. I have never cried so much in all my life. This is not how humans should treat one another. Not ever. Break-up's happen, I get that. But there is a girl code amongst women that is at the heart of it all. Hell, it's quite likely that given some time I would have been happy for them. But instead I am just hurt and angry and frustrated that just when I was starting to trust again (this has happened to me a few times) that got broken.
They have both now blocked me on all social media sites. That's right. BLOCKED me. Not even just unfriended. Oh no - blocked. As if I am the wrong doer. And all I can bring myself to feel now is immense pity. Immense immense pity. They have started a potential relationship on lies. On hurting another person to get what they want. On creating animosity and ugliness. And there is one thing I know for sure - karma has a cruel way of coming round. Sometimes when you least expect it.
And those who know me will know that I look for the lesson in life. I always do. And so what is the lesson for me now. I am a survivor. I will be hurt again many times in my life. Often it will seem unfair and more than I can handle. But I will handle it and I will survive. My wise friend BB said that I trust too willingly and openly and quickly. And she is probably 100% right. I open my heart because I know no other way. I am kind by nature. I will always give a person a second chance. But I need to be more selective about who those second chances are for. They should be for people who deserve them. Who are remorseful for the pain they have caused and who genuinely want to repair what they broke. I thought she did, but her actions today show she has no interest. Nobody else is worth it.
I am trying my level best to move on. I know this too shall pass. It always does. My tribe are hitting town for my 40th in 48 hours. I am surrounded by a village of love and friendship and wonderful spiritual connections. But I would be lying if I said my heart wasn't a little more closed off and cautious than before. And maybe one day it will feel comfortable enough to open again. I am sensitive, vulnerable soul - both a blessing and a curse for me.
Namaste - the good in me sees the good in you xxxx
I have also learnt that if you do not process something, it leaks out in your body in other ways. Humans are complicated beings and we so often bottle up what happens to us in the hopes it will simply disappear. And the harsh reality is that it doesn't - it just manifests in another form. And in my case, that form is emotional eating. And I simply will not do that to myself anymore. I will not chow down on a muffin and hope that the heartache will move on. Because it won't. And neither will the muffin.
So here's a blog to help me do both those things. And if you not up for the reading, no worries...I understand.
I am licking my wounds still so apologies if this sounds a little jumbled when it all comes out. Here's the synopsis: I met someone in September 2016 through a dating app. We hung out. We got on. We started 'seeing' one another. We did things together. We spoke and swopped stories. I invited him into my life. I was kind beyond measure. I spoiled him and went out of my way to be thoughtful. We texted often and things were going well. I organized a surprise for him (he does not celebrate Christmas) before I went to SA on holiday. He loved it and was so delighted by it. Then he came to my office Christmas party with me. And what started out as a lovely evening went south very fast. He told me this was going to fast for him and he wanted out. I was flying to SA the next day. We agreed to let sleeping dogs lie while I was away. I went and spent time with my nephews and family and through it all I downplayed him to my family. I did not want to talk it up. We swopped a whatsapp or two but I had no burning desire to communicate with him, which was odd given the circumstances.
I realized while I was in SA that we were not 100% compatible. We came from such hugely different cultures. He was not a communicator. He did not share. He had more emotional baggage than I knew what to do with. He was emotionally unavailable in so many ways. I could see the human he could be. I recognized the potential. But I was not out to save him from himself.
I came back to Dubai for New Years and I did not tell him I had come in early. I texted him on the day and we agreed that a relationship was not an option in either of our books. I gave him the option to bow out of NYE...he said he wanted to come. And being the kind hearted human I am, I never once stopped to think how forgiving and accepting I was being to a person who had not treated me with the respect I deserved. I was blinded by trying to be the bigger person. Hindsight is a b$*ch.
Another friend of mine was joining for NYE too. She and I had met through a mutual friend from another country when I moved to Dubai. She had been the source of much friend time since I moved here. A fellow South African. She had helped me get confident enough to drive. We had gone to the beach and the movies and eaten out. A great source of companionship in what can be a challenging city to adjust to.
And this is when you know something is about to happen given I have given you so much context. This point is where I tell you - TRUST YOUR INTUITION. It is an extraordinary tool. It is always on your side. It is stronger than any other of my senses. And something happened on NYE that put my intuition on high alert. He and I (although were no longer anything substantial) still ended up being very tactile with one another. He was very attentive - I had expected to keep him at arm's length the whole night given we were not together. But no - he wanted to have his cake and eat it. And he sure did. The whole cake and then some.
I went to the bathroom and came out, obviously a little quietly, onto the balcony again. I saw him walk behind her and I saw him put his hand on her back. Nothing sinister you might think. But I knew. In that minute. I knew what I was seeing. I registered it and I decided to process it once there was other information to go with it. The night ended (he stayed till 3am and she slept over). The next morning she and I spoke about how I felt about him and how confusing this situation was. She brushed it off saying something along the lines of 'these things happen on new years'.
Over the course of the next few weeks my intuition had started to pick up more and more. He phoned me asking if she had got his video. I asked what video and discovered she had given him her number on the night to send her a video of the fireworks. How convenient. He phones me to say what a beautiful night he had and how he was so blown away by his presents (yes I had stupidly bought him more gifts...it's in my nature). Then suddenly I see he is liking every single one of her photos on instagram. And then they are Facebook friends and he is liking every post there. And all the while my intuition is screaming at me - WTFFFFFFFFF? And then it happened. The final piece of the puzzle. She posted a video of her driving in a car late at night. She was in the passenger seat. And there in the video - his customized red leather steering wheel of his 4x4. I knew that what I had intuitively been feeling all along was happening. Two weeks after they had met for the first (and in my book only) time.
I confronted them both on whatsapp - I had tried to meet up with them both for a coffee in person over the course of the preceeding week but both were (conveniently?) too busy to meet up.
And the sum total of their respective explanations - neither felt the need to tell me as it was still in its infancy and it was their private lives. Are you f*#$%ng kidding me. You post shit on social media like you are sitting in each others pockets and then tell me it is private. You met at my home. One of you is my ex and the other my only single girl friend in this city. What a joke.
So fast forward to today - watershed day. I have been so broken by this whole experience. The trust and caring I showed for two humans who chose to take that and shove it down the toilet. Who felt that deception was their only route. Who knew how I felt about the other and went there anyway. Who then (once I knew about them) adopted not one drop of civility or sensitivity about the fact they were together - instead choosing to post every moment of every thing they were doing together on social media so that I had nothing but their lives running through my news feed. It killed me from the inside out. I have never cried so much in all my life. This is not how humans should treat one another. Not ever. Break-up's happen, I get that. But there is a girl code amongst women that is at the heart of it all. Hell, it's quite likely that given some time I would have been happy for them. But instead I am just hurt and angry and frustrated that just when I was starting to trust again (this has happened to me a few times) that got broken.
They have both now blocked me on all social media sites. That's right. BLOCKED me. Not even just unfriended. Oh no - blocked. As if I am the wrong doer. And all I can bring myself to feel now is immense pity. Immense immense pity. They have started a potential relationship on lies. On hurting another person to get what they want. On creating animosity and ugliness. And there is one thing I know for sure - karma has a cruel way of coming round. Sometimes when you least expect it.
And those who know me will know that I look for the lesson in life. I always do. And so what is the lesson for me now. I am a survivor. I will be hurt again many times in my life. Often it will seem unfair and more than I can handle. But I will handle it and I will survive. My wise friend BB said that I trust too willingly and openly and quickly. And she is probably 100% right. I open my heart because I know no other way. I am kind by nature. I will always give a person a second chance. But I need to be more selective about who those second chances are for. They should be for people who deserve them. Who are remorseful for the pain they have caused and who genuinely want to repair what they broke. I thought she did, but her actions today show she has no interest. Nobody else is worth it.
I am trying my level best to move on. I know this too shall pass. It always does. My tribe are hitting town for my 40th in 48 hours. I am surrounded by a village of love and friendship and wonderful spiritual connections. But I would be lying if I said my heart wasn't a little more closed off and cautious than before. And maybe one day it will feel comfortable enough to open again. I am sensitive, vulnerable soul - both a blessing and a curse for me.
Namaste - the good in me sees the good in you xxxx
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